Please offer your thoughts on this revision?


commute

approached,
became more shapes
shifting , gliding on wet grey street,
stayed in outside seat,
waiting people pass me by;
tall ones slithering places,
pin straight strands tracing faces , figures
of suburban youth.

forced window
when hourglass approached,
unwashed rags swathed in perfume.
tried tell myself we’re shapes,
colors , contours moving fleshy sieves across transom of world,
, beauty perhaps applicable else-
maybe lucid cameo in glass, beneath incandescent shower
of street lamp,
draped pearl necklace of strung bridge lights.

the commute approached, became more shapes shifting , gliding on wet grey street, stayed in outside seat, waiting people pass me by; tall ones slithering places, pin straight strands tracing faces , figures of suburban youth. forced the...


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